So Roman’s russian off to Moscow in his yacht whilst most UK fans now try and get out their mastercard to pay for the Visa to get into Red Square.

 The most depressing, well one of the most, things about us not getting to the final this year is that Man Utd will get all the Red Square shit in the headlines, as if they have the best away fans and so forth.

Well here are my colours nailed to the mast, I really hope Chelsea win it.  But I’m gutted that we didn’t get through. And yet part of me is relieved. For losing to Utd and worse, getting to Moscow and back safely, with some money left and all my limbs, was too much to bear.

But to be honest of course I wanted us to win. And we nearly did, Babel’s late goal giving rise to another possible glorious night in Europe, but of course, it was Riise’s dive that did the damage…

For us, losing Skrtel so early was a hammer blow, and who’d a thought that would be have been said when the Czech killer arrived this year? But Gerrard looked out of it, and Fernando’s knackered and we couldn’t quite push it. But I’ll tell you one thing, even on the radio, you could hear our fans at their small shed, singing louder than the Chelsea fans with their plastic flags…

So now we have to get on with the rest of the season, I bet we suddenly look very tired indeed.. well done lads but I’m sad and red and tired

He’s been to spec-savers surely, because Arsene Noel Wenger has actually seen some on field action. After many years of (put on your best deep and grumpy French accent) “I cannot zay about ze penalty as I deed not zee the incidont you are talkeeng about” he somehow manages to see 47 penalty incidents in the triology known as Arsenal v Liverpool v Arsenal v Liverpool.

Yes Dirk’s manhandling of some Arsenal player was as bad as the one that got Babel a penalty yesterday but do you know what… IT WASN’T GIVEN, (thought what the Newcastle goalie has to do with it is beyond me).

However our’s was and happy days all round as we are through to the semi-finals of the Champions League to play a small team from London called Chelsea.

Well after much analysis and post match thought, I have summed up our game last night very simply, and perhaps its a useful message to

Mr R. Abramovich,

42 Big House,

London,

postcode WE5 times, UZer0.

And it’s this:

BOUNCE!!!

Its sunny and we won the derby. Oh, yeah we won both.  Imagine (put on husky female voice) taking six points in an away controversial match and a home match where Everton never really got going… imagine taking six points from the second ugliest team in the league( Utd have that distinction), imagine seeing Gollum gulp as once again the team in blue are singing the blues…

This isn’t any old gloating, this is derby gloating…

People say that derbies aren’t for the football purist. Well damn right they’re not, they shouldn’t be. They should be attritional warfare, of interest only to the fans of the teams involved. Liverpool v Everton is for the fans of the teams, the build up, the game the pub after, not your artisan analysis.

And personally I only like these matches if we win. Which we did. And almost as sweet as the 3-0 earlier this season (didn’t think I wasn’t going to mention it do you?). Because yesterday Everton were beaten fair and square. Yakubu (84 points on a scrabble board) looked less likely to track back and get back towards the Everton goal than Reina did..

In fact the only time he got the ball he fell towards it tumbling, diving, falling like the death of a tree in a forest. Sami meanwhile had arrived half way through the fall, cleared the ball and headed off for a cup of Finnish tea, in fact he’d washed up and had a sauna by the time Yakky landed.

Torres scored, Everton bored, their fans ignored, the Kop roared.

Say all you like, but its not about 4th, its about pride in the city, pride of the derby and we won. Both. Did I mention that already?

Apparently all the lions were vegetarians and I had nothing to worry about.

Torres’ goal reminded me of Drogba’s v us, when he turned past Carra on a sixpence and scored, it was just beautiful and out of nothing. We’ve not had for a long time, it puts the wind up defenders as they really don’t know what’s going to happen.

Happy days and onto the last eight of the Champions League. Get in.

 I’m a nervous as a lion tamer covered in BBQ sauce in a cage full of lions who like BBQs and its the first day of the Lion’s BBQ Season…

Keegan, Owen, two names who have served Liverpool well in the past. One more welcome than the other on their return to Anfield, you choose.

Personally I don’t think any ex-player should be booed, Diouf included, they just shouldn’t get a welcome name chant. Save that for those who we still adore.

Keegan was a hero of mine when I was kid, and his partnership with Toshack was a wonder to behold. And now we have Torres and his favourite strike partner… Gerrard. Yep, not Kuyt, Crouch or Voronin (remember him).

In Rafa’s new toy formation, 4-2-3-1, Gerrard has his licence to roam that he’s always wanted and several other bit part players try to cross the ball with varying success to Torres (BOUNCE!). nb to any journalists watching. HE DIDN’T COST £26M!!!! But even if he did, he’s proving his worth.

For two points.

firstly, with him in the team, Rafa stops shaping Liverpool’s tatics to match other teams, and we play our own way, and let them deal with us,

secondly, he terrifies defenders into making mistakes and trying to handle him, leaving gaps for Gerrard etc.

I only wish we would get more players in the box in the vague hope that Pennant/Kuyt/Benayoun/Babel/Riise/Arbeloa/Aurelilililelaolia will cross it in to them.

Anyway Kevin looks less like the messiah and more like Herod as he continues to kill off Newcastle’s hopes of actually staying in the PL, never mind marching to Europe. the nearest he may get will be a booze cruise to Calais to drown his sorrows.

However they nearly scored with goal of the season, with a 45yrd shot that hit the crossbar. I was that bothered, I forgot who did it.

But we scored 3 and then Rafa decided to pack early for his city break to Milan, and took all us lot off, leaving Pepe and Lucas on to stop Michael.

So the Messiah and St Michael found no sanctuary in the Catholic halls of Benitez, I guess that makes Terry Mac, John the Baptist and Alan Smith a dirty cunt.

So for the first time in 60 years, a Liverpool player has scored back to back hattricks at Anfield.

And Gerrard not wanting to be left out pops up with a 4th.

Fancy that, a settled side, playing well and gelling.. hmmm, best not say anything starting with the letter R and finishing with ‘otation’

Skretel impressed, and hopefully looks good for the future and I just hope Masch isn’t too injured for next week.

meantime the Messiah returns. I remember when Keegan was the lord at Anfield, when I were but a nipper. Bet he isn’t looking forward to his second coming on Saturday.

Speaking of 2nd comings, Torres has now turned 43% of male Liverpool fans gay.

In other news, some DIC tries Dubai us.

Yesterday my final thought was “1-3 to the tricky reds”. Well it came true, but I did hope we’d keep a clean sheet.

Never mind, 3-1 at the Reebok v Bernard Bresslaw’s team, who played well in the first 10 mins is a very good score when other smaller clubs like one from Manchester lost there not that long ago.

Babel looked great until he scored, then he looked bored, Gerrard looked tired at the end and my main worry about the 4-2-3-1 formation is that there are times when we don’t have enough players getting into the box, and also Dirk Fairclough isn’t a right winger. At all.

However, a couple of things of note.

1) we beat Portsmouth 4-1 at home after they’d won 8 games on the trot and Harry was unlucky according to the press, some smaller club in Liverpool beat them 3-1 and that’s because they’re a great team managed by a great manager

and

2) Liverpool sign a top striker, the club’s most expensive signing, and he scores, the fans erupt in noise and glee and sing “Torres Torres”

Everton sign a top striker, the club’s most expensive signing, and he scores, the fans erupt in noise and glee and sing…

a song about Steven Gerrard.

Bet Yakubu’s thrilled at his new club. Well I feel sorry for you tiny penis’ed petty small boys and your tiny shit club. Bless you all and may you one day grow up and support your own team. Bless.

So Big Sam has left, little Sam has left and now they have Bernard Bresslaw in charge.

Traditionally they have been a bogey team not just for us but for Arsenal, and this season Man Utd. They claim to play hard, I claim they kick first, hopefully the ball’s there and if not, hey ho…

Well we need to win, as we do every game this season so far, just to maintain our race for the coveted and prized title of “4th spot”.

How ridiculous. When I were but knee high to Tommy Smith’s boot studs, Shankly pointed out that 2nd was nowhere. I can’t even remember who came 3rd, never mind Fourth.

I’m sorry about the f in fourth. Is what Rafa should be bloody saying. But a win’s a win, and on the road too. So trot on Liverpool, trot on past the Wanderers, the wounders and windups, and try and play some football.

We showed last week we can beat the teams lower down that we’re supposed to, so lets do it again.

1-3 to the tricky Reds.

better than 1-1 at theirs, a match notable for the kind generosity of the Boro defenders, and the ref and Rafa not rotating the team, save for Carra’s suspension…

Well the main talking point was that Liverpool have answered their critics and finally bought a 20 goal a season striker. Our Fern pops in his first hattrick, and we’ve now taken 13 out of 15 points from the North East clubs…

Talk of Tom Hicks’ son holding a bring and buy sale in the Sandon are as yet unconfirmed. (Bring all the disgruntled fans in to meet me and my pals from the US in, then I’ll say bye… quickly…)