Panto with Portsmouth. Oh yes it was…
Last nights game had all the farce of an early seasonal panto as we drew 0-0 with Portsmouth. It was less “Play Up Pompey” and more “Slow down Pompey” as there was no Hurry Up Harry as his team put 11 men behind the ball and defended the night away.
CAST:
Harry ‘Baron von Teddy Bear’ Redknapp
Cinderella Sol Campbell
David ‘Buttons’ Thomson
David ‘Prince Charming’ James
James ‘ Aladdin midfield’ Carragher.
Jermaine Pennant/Luis Garcia ‘Ugly Sisters’ Actually make that the bloody panto donkey.
So to the review of the play:-
If I was a midfielder at Anfield I’d stay away from Steven Gerrard. I know he wants to play in midfield but knobbling all the other Liverpool midfielders in order to ensure his position is taking it a bit far. Last night Jamie C was a lad in midfield, causing mild heart panics in all the bookies who’d put him at the usual 33-1 scoring odds.
Portsmouth did defend well and consistently and constantly but the ugly sisters didn’t help the cause by both of them playing as if stuck as the rear end of the panto horse… I’ll forgive Luis for most things but Jermaine has to yet prove himself to me.
Each of our defenders lined up for their 40yrd out shot at goal, Sami getting closest last night with a shocker. Shocker as in it was excellent and nearly in.
David Handsome James was whistled the entire night as he’d somehow used up most of Lancashire’s Brylcream surplus, left when Beckham switched hairdon’ts. James’ hair was astonishing - it looked completely painted on. But I swear I saw a grin on his face during a particularly heavy stint of Kop wolf whistling.
As usual when David Thomson returns, he does his best to get booked, or foul as many of the current players as possible. Maybe he’s bitter, but Davey mate, no matter how many LFC players go down, you won’t get a game.
But it was Cinderella Sol who summed up the night. Losing his glass slipper on the pitch (it slipped off when he sat down, undid the laces and took it off. Accidentally and suddenly of course). Well it was well past midnight and Portsmouth coach was back to pumpkin duty by the time Sol managed to get off the pitch. Of course it was hard for him given the fact he was miles away from the touchline. All 5 yrds of it. twat.
The Baron von Teddy Bear’s time wasting was legion last night. Now I’m not a naive new to footy man. I’m all for setting up shop by the corner flag in times of need. But Portsmouth took the piss. You’d think some of them would have a modicum of honour but honestly, most of the Pompey fans could’ve walked home by the time their team had taken any number of free kicks, goal kicks, throw ins and so ons…
Now normally I don’t think the ball’s gone in the net until the restart kick off has happened, but last night I could’ve sworn Gerrard had headed it in. Block 102 in the Kop is not good for your heart in those circumstances. Especially when you’re with an old uncle who had money on Gerrard scoring first. Poor man had text his bookie, spent the winnings and lit a cigar before we realised Stevie had missed. Maybe he’d seen another midfielder in front of him….