Last nights game had all the farce of an early seasonal panto as we drew 0-0 with Portsmouth. It was less “Play Up Pompey” and more “Slow down Pompey” as there was no Hurry Up Harry as his team put 11 men behind the ball and defended the night away.

CAST:

Harry ‘Baron von Teddy Bear’ Redknapp

Cinderella Sol Campbell

David ‘Buttons’ Thomson

David ‘Prince Charming’ James

James ‘ Aladdin midfield’ Carragher.

Jermaine Pennant/Luis Garcia ‘Ugly Sisters’ Actually make that the bloody panto donkey.

So to the review of the play:- 

If I was a midfielder at Anfield I’d stay away from Steven Gerrard. I know he wants to play in midfield but knobbling all the other Liverpool midfielders in order to ensure his position is taking it a bit far. Last night Jamie C was a lad in midfield, causing mild heart panics in all the bookies who’d put him at the usual 33-1 scoring odds.

Portsmouth did defend well and consistently and constantly but the ugly sisters didn’t help the cause by both of them playing as if stuck as the rear end of the panto horse… I’ll forgive Luis for most things but Jermaine has to yet prove himself to me.

Each of our defenders lined up for their 40yrd out shot at goal, Sami getting closest last night with a shocker. Shocker as in it was excellent and nearly in.

David Handsome James was whistled the entire night as he’d somehow used up most of Lancashire’s Brylcream surplus, left when Beckham switched hairdon’ts. James’ hair was astonishing - it looked completely painted on. But I swear I saw a grin on his face during a particularly heavy stint of Kop wolf whistling.

As usual when David Thomson returns, he does his best to get booked, or foul as many of the current players as possible. Maybe he’s bitter, but Davey mate, no matter how many LFC players go down, you won’t get a game.

But it was Cinderella Sol who summed up the night. Losing his glass slipper on the pitch (it slipped off when he sat down, undid the laces and took it off. Accidentally and suddenly of course). Well it was well past midnight and Portsmouth coach was back to pumpkin duty by the time Sol managed to get off the pitch. Of course it was hard for him given the fact he was miles away from the touchline. All 5 yrds of it. twat.

The Baron von Teddy Bear’s time wasting was legion last night. Now I’m not a naive new to footy man. I’m all for setting up shop by the corner flag in times of need. But Portsmouth took the piss. You’d think some of them would have a modicum of honour but honestly, most of the Pompey fans could’ve walked home by the time their team had taken any number of free kicks, goal kicks, throw ins and so ons…

Now normally I don’t think the ball’s gone in the net until the restart kick off has happened, but last night I could’ve sworn Gerrard had headed it in. Block 102 in the Kop is not good for your heart in those circumstances. Especially when you’re with an old uncle who had money on Gerrard scoring first. Poor man had text his bookie, spent the winnings and lit a cigar before we realised Stevie had missed. Maybe he’d seen another midfielder in front of him….

Steven Gerrard sensationally played on the right hand side for England, echoing his role for Liverpool against Holland tonight. Rafa Benitez sensationally said nothing.

In a sensational move, Real Madrid boss Capello said Gerrard was a good player. Steve McLaren is 45.

Well Wednesday’s 1-0 win over Birmingham, despite not being a particularly interesting game, threw up some interesting footballing vignettes.

Our strikers didn’t have great games with Fowler way off the pace and Bellamy in desperate need of a goal before he tries himself to death. Dudek impressed coming in for his first game in ages, coming off his line swiftly to make three good saves. Zenden put in his best performance of the season after Sissoko was carried off. He’ll be needed in the coming months.

Out wide Pennant is still showing glimpses of what he can do - - if the lad can believe in himself he could be an excellent player for us. On the other side Mark Gonzalez showed lightning pace to win a penalty in the second half. He’s had a stop-start season with a couple of injuries but hopefully this will be the start of a run of consecutive games for him.

Rafa put out a completely changed back four. Warnock provided his usual combative display. Fellow academy graduate Lee Peltier was steady and got forward at times with impressive pace. Daniel Agger was composure personified as he’s been all season. He seems to play the game at a different speed to everyone else, always having time on the ball. Which brings us to the blog’s favourite new player:

From Argentina
30 stories high
Heads crosses clear
He’ll make your strikers cry
Paletta Paletta Paletta

and Dan Agger …

Gabriel Paletta showed immense promise I thought. Powerfully robust and unafraid of a tackle he has the look of a real find. Yes he’s raw, and yes he’ll have to be careful with those shoulder barges, but as the game went on and Brum pumped more and more high balls into the box it was invariably the head of Paletta that got there first. It was like watching a Hyypia masterclass in clearing the danger. As his English improves his communication with other defenders will improve, and it’s comforting to know he’s getting a great education from defenders of the calibre of Sami and Jamie.

This Argentine could be breathing fire in red for years to come.

What a difference a week makes.

4-3 to the Tricky Reds (c Mottman), 3-1 with some silky soccer and 3-0 - a vintage display (well hardly but you need to get your puns in where you can) and suddenly life looks a little more rose for the Reds.

Rafa has surprised no-one frankly by being a football manager and doing exactly what he likes. So what team will appear for Reading’s 2nd ever visit ( will they be the new Chelsea as in will we be playing them 31 times this season ?) - will Fowler play ? Is Luis injured ? Has Riise’s red rinse changed his eyebrow colour after the headbutt that really was, as opposed to Zindane’s nod to the chest ?

Well either way I’m looking forward to a newly energised Gerrard - for Christ’s sake he’s always full of lucozade so its about time, and I’m looking forward to a new treat - 2 clean sheets. It’ll be like staying in a new B&B.

Then again even with Reading’s Captain out with injury, Coppell’s men should cope better now that they’ve been to Anfield. Or was ignorance bliss and perhaps the nerves will now appear ?

Either way I can’t see Rafa putting out the same side as he did for the Carling Cup, though it would be nice to see Robbie run out again.

Here’s to a happy reading. Of the Sunday papers only.