Just when we thought things were on the up …
Arsene Whinger’s got the Samaritans on speed-dial and Maureen’s still got the Blues, thanks to that fat Australian. “Magda Szubanski?” No … Mark Viduka!

No, the problem now is over in Manchester. “I know, Roy and Hayley Cropper just can’t handle having a teenager in their flat.” You really are a donut short of being a policeman, aren’t you? The problem is their football team, The Manchester Redsox, I hear Alex Ferguson’s plotting World domination.

*thunder strikes*

“Holy flashbacks to the 1990s Batman!”

Fear ye not, young squire. For it is early days. It is a marathon, not a sprint, as they say. They might end up ‘doing a Paula Radcliffe’. “Ah… I see… stopping off after 22 miles for a toilet break in the road?” No! think back to the 2004 Olympics. “Oh.”

We can’t discount Chelsea, though. They have only lost one game. Once Kalou, Shevchenko, Ballack et al gel together they have the potential to be a tremendous force. You’d be a fool to write them off. “Well, I am.” That says a lot.

“What about Arsenal Nursery FC”? Well, their start has been as horrific as the beginning of Saving Private Ryan. I think that their lack of strength in depth will mean bedtime will come early for their young Gunners. “Will Arsene read them a story?” No, only their last rites. Expect the big changes from this summer to continue into the next one as another season outside the top 3 will take its toll on them. “You mean… the end of the Va Va Voom man?” Who knows? … Who knows?

“I’m bored now. WHAT ABOUT US? WHAT ABOUT US? WHAT ABOUT US?!” I promise to tell you if you lay off the Sunny Delight. “OK.”

Well, last season, we were shite up front and boss in defence. This season, we are shite in defence and boss up front.

“Holy lack of balance and consistency Batman!”

Our new signings have done well, so far. Pennant and Bellamy have revolutionised our side with pace and attacking threat. You could say *chuckles* that they are… partners in crime. Hahaha. “I don’t get it.” Tut.

Swiftly moving on… Derek Gowt made a great start. He may have reminded you of Kevin Keegan/Mark Hughes/Alan Shearer. Fast, direct, aggressive … “Sounds like Bruce Lee” … AND he takes his own free-kicks. Are you allowed to do that in Holland? Hopefully his arrival will bring the best out of Peter Crouch, too. It was Crouchinho that nailed the Hammers, after Agger’s shot from a billion yards had equalised.

“It wasn’t as good as Zamora’s.”

True. As the song goes. ‘When the ball hits net, it’s that big jammy get, Bob Zamora’.

It was important we won, anyhow. We couldn’t fall further behind after dropping two points against Colin Wanker’s side last Saturday and performances in Europe as pathetic as France’s during the war. We’re through though. Fair play to the Israelites, too. Xavier Anderson, Gustavo Broccoli, Desmond Dekker and Leslie Kong were their outstanding players. But they don’t deserve to be in the European Cup. They’re not even from Europe, for crying out loud. What next, Cardiff City in the English league?

We also have to make Anfield a fortress once more. General Rafa and Lieutenant Pako leading the troops, along with Kuyt the tank, Gerrard the captain, Crouch the flagpole, and Agger the sniper, teams will fear coming to face Liverpool. And that’s how it should be.

Riise, Warnock, Sissoko and Carragher are all out, but will hopefully back for the Derby game. “I thought they were in the Coca Cola Championship?” Everton, you div. But, as I said, Sissoko and Riise may return and the coaching staff are working on JC’s resurrection.

There are also rumours we are after a right back, after Calamity Jan’s performance last week. I think people are unfair on him. It was clear he was paying tribute to Liverpool legend Jimmy Traore and I for one thought it was uncanny.

“That could be the final piece of the jigsaw.”

Right you are, right you are. But we need to take inspiration from Steven Gerrard, as ever, I feel. No, not from his commanding presence or from him leading by example, but rather from his haircut. We need to, like his cockatoo do, gel. Then every little thing is going to be alright. So don’t you worry, about a thing.

“Holy stealing lyrics from songs Batman!”

This entry was posted on Sunday, August 27th, 2006 at 7:33 pm and is filed under Miscellaneous. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.