Well, the boy Mellor has gone. Official confirmation has come through that he has signed a three year contract with Preston North End. A copious scorer at youth and reserve level, Neil Mellor forever seemed to be on the verge of a first team breakthrough but for a succession of knee injuries to intervene. He’ll best be remembered for two goals - the second in our comeback to beat Olympiakos and the last minute winner against Arsenal at Anfield:

Mellor 92′

That goal against Arsenal brought delight to all associated with the club and delirium inside the stadium, as everyone wanted to see Neil succeed at the highest level. This is brilliantly illustrated by the man who had been on the mic for so many of Mellor’s reserve goals, lfc.tv’s Steve Hunter, commentating alongside Alan Kennedy on the game. What follows is a clip taken from the official match commentary:

Mellor lashes the ball into the Kop net

Good luck with the move Neil, I hope you score goals by the bucket load.

… his charge sheet gets longer by the hour. It turns out that not only did he break Jamie Carragher’s leg, but also Djibril Cissé’s, Milan Baros’s ankle, was responsible for all three of Stephen Warnock’s leg breaks, misdiagnosed Harry Kewell’s gout/septic arthritis and his challenge on Gerry Byrne broke the fullback’s collarbone in the 1965 FA Cup Final.

Rumours that he was seen with a gun on a grassy knoll in Dallas in 1963 are yet to be confirmed.

It’s been quite some weekend for our new striking sensation Dirk Kuyt. He made a sparkling debut in front of his family and an expectant Kop in the 2-1 win over West Ham then flew to the Netherlands for the European qualifiers against Luxembourg and Belarus. Ahead of meeting up with the squad he attended the Gala Voetballer van het Jaar where he was awarded the Gouden Schoen as the Dutch Footballer of the Year. He was presented the award by his seriously ill father in a moving ceremony:

Video of Dirk getting the award

Later on Dirk was persuaded back up on stage to duet with singer Jan Smit in the Dutch classic “As the Night Disappears”:

He did it his way

We’re still trying to get hold of the video of his encore “Ring of Fire” in classic Dutch Euro-disco style.

When Momo Sissoko was carried off the pitch on a stretcher against Maccabi Haifa out in Kiev, we all feared the worst with a string of tough away games against Everton, PSV and Chelsea up next. Hoewever we can bring you exclusive news on his fight for fitness thanks to RAWK’s Liverpool Nightlife Correspondent, Johnner:

“Good news on Momo. I met him Friday night in the VIP bar in Mood and he said he’d be fit for Everton. He was up dancing an’ all so I think he’ll be right.”

For Liverpool PTS holders, it’s another long season ahead as we try to log on and fight our way through the computery mud that is the Liverpool FC ticket servers in order to book the next match ticket. Logging on about 8:20ish, we refresh more than an air steward on the long haul to Vegas. We wait like Zen monks, watching nothing, until we finally get through to the ticket selection page, make our choice and retire to work rejoicing in the fact that we managed to get the last ticket in the Upper Anny Road, before realising we’ve just booked for the U-12’s Christmas Charity Match …

Just when we thought things were on the up …
Arsene Whinger’s got the Samaritans on speed-dial and Maureen’s still got the Blues, thanks to that fat Australian. “Magda Szubanski?” No … Mark Viduka!

No, the problem now is over in Manchester. “I know, Roy and Hayley Cropper just can’t handle having a teenager in their flat.” You really are a donut short of being a policeman, aren’t you? The problem is their football team, The Manchester Redsox, I hear Alex Ferguson’s plotting World domination.

*thunder strikes*

“Holy flashbacks to the 1990s Batman!”

Fear ye not, young squire. For it is early days. It is a marathon, not a sprint, as they say. They might end up ‘doing a Paula Radcliffe’. “Ah… I see… stopping off after 22 miles for a toilet break in the road?” No! think back to the 2004 Olympics. “Oh.”

We can’t discount Chelsea, though. They have only lost one game. Once Kalou, Shevchenko, Ballack et al gel together they have the potential to be a tremendous force. You’d be a fool to write them off. “Well, I am.” That says a lot.

“What about Arsenal Nursery FC”? Well, their start has been as horrific as the beginning of Saving Private Ryan. I think that their lack of strength in depth will mean bedtime will come early for their young Gunners. “Will Arsene read them a story?” No, only their last rites. Expect the big changes from this summer to continue into the next one as another season outside the top 3 will take its toll on them. “You mean… the end of the Va Va Voom man?” Who knows? … Who knows?

“I’m bored now. WHAT ABOUT US? WHAT ABOUT US? WHAT ABOUT US?!” I promise to tell you if you lay off the Sunny Delight. “OK.”

Well, last season, we were shite up front and boss in defence. This season, we are shite in defence and boss up front.

“Holy lack of balance and consistency Batman!”

Our new signings have done well, so far. Pennant and Bellamy have revolutionised our side with pace and attacking threat. You could say *chuckles* that they are… partners in crime. Hahaha. “I don’t get it.” Tut.

Swiftly moving on… Derek Gowt made a great start. He may have reminded you of Kevin Keegan/Mark Hughes/Alan Shearer. Fast, direct, aggressive … “Sounds like Bruce Lee” … AND he takes his own free-kicks. Are you allowed to do that in Holland? Hopefully his arrival will bring the best out of Peter Crouch, too. It was Crouchinho that nailed the Hammers, after Agger’s shot from a billion yards had equalised.

“It wasn’t as good as Zamora’s.”

True. As the song goes. ‘When the ball hits net, it’s that big jammy get, Bob Zamora’.

It was important we won, anyhow. We couldn’t fall further behind after dropping two points against Colin Wanker’s side last Saturday and performances in Europe as pathetic as France’s during the war. We’re through though. Fair play to the Israelites, too. Xavier Anderson, Gustavo Broccoli, Desmond Dekker and Leslie Kong were their outstanding players. But they don’t deserve to be in the European Cup. They’re not even from Europe, for crying out loud. What next, Cardiff City in the English league?

We also have to make Anfield a fortress once more. General Rafa and Lieutenant Pako leading the troops, along with Kuyt the tank, Gerrard the captain, Crouch the flagpole, and Agger the sniper, teams will fear coming to face Liverpool. And that’s how it should be.

Riise, Warnock, Sissoko and Carragher are all out, but will hopefully back for the Derby game. “I thought they were in the Coca Cola Championship?” Everton, you div. But, as I said, Sissoko and Riise may return and the coaching staff are working on JC’s resurrection.

There are also rumours we are after a right back, after Calamity Jan’s performance last week. I think people are unfair on him. It was clear he was paying tribute to Liverpool legend Jimmy Traore and I for one thought it was uncanny.

“That could be the final piece of the jigsaw.”

Right you are, right you are. But we need to take inspiration from Steven Gerrard, as ever, I feel. No, not from his commanding presence or from him leading by example, but rather from his haircut. We need to, like his cockatoo do, gel. Then every little thing is going to be alright. So don’t you worry, about a thing.

“Holy stealing lyrics from songs Batman!”

The start of the season has seen the launch of three new websites/forums following the fortunes of the Reds. First up is One Boy and his Kop author Pete Evo and his matchgoing sidekick Mooro’s site, On The Kop:

http://www.onthekop.com

There are also two sites launched by grateful escapees from the Koptalk asylum. First to launch was the traditionally named Est1892:

http://www.est1892.co.uk/

quickly followed by a site whose name was inspired by our 5th European Cup win, Six Crazy Minutes:

http://www.sixcrazyminutes.com/

RAWK would like to welcome them to the Liverpool online community and wish them all a long and busy future.

Yesterday’s Champions League draw brought echoes of both players and matches past. Drawn in Group C, the Reds will have to face PSV Eindhoven, Bordeaux and Galatasaray. It’s one of those groups whose strength is hard to judge.

We’ll be meeting PSV for the first time in Europe. They’ve had much recent success under Guus Hiddink’s tenure, but with Ronald Koeman now in charge will they be able to keep up the same consistency? Koeman of course was the manager of the Benfica team who knocked us out last season.

The trip to Galatasaray will trigger a million and one references to that magical Istanbul night of the 25th May, 2005. The game will be held in “our” Ataturk stadium, Gala choosing the revenue of a much higher capacity venue over the intimidating atmosphere of the Ali Sami Yen. The Lions are difficult opponents on their home turf, beating AC Milan, Lazio, Juventus and Real Madrid there in recent seasons. We managed to escape with a 1-1 draw in the Champions League in 2002 thanks to a late Emile Heskey goal. Former defender Rigobert Song now plays for the Turkish side and should be in the team to play the Reds.

The final side in the group is the evocatively named FC Girondins de Bordeaux, another team we’ll be facing for the first time. Our European record against French teams tends to be win at home, lose away so Bordeaux could pose problems. The five times former French champions have been the home to many great players in the past, such as Alain Giresse, Patrick Battiston, Didier Deschamps, Bixente Lizarazu, Jean Tigana and Zinedine Zidane, though it’s the presence of a European Cup winner in their current squad that draws the eye, our very own Vladimír Šmicer.

Vlad’s career at Anfield was very much a curate’s egg. Clearly very skilled, his proneness to injury and use out of position by Houllier meant we rarely saw the best of him in a red shirt. To me though, when Vlad played well the team played well, as his quick footballing brain lubricated our attacks. When you think of Vlad at his best what comes to mind is a last minute winner against Chelsea and running at Everton, Man Utd and Alaves to draw fouls which earnt red cards. But it’s his contribution to our Champions League win over Milan that will live long in the memory.

Having been told in April by Rafa that his contract would not be renewed, Vlad asked if the boss still needed him around the club or should be just start the summer search for a new club early. Rafa insisted he could still play a part so the Czech from Děčín trained as hard as he’d always done and found himself on the bench for the final. Within 23 minutes he was on for the hapless Kewell and could only look on as Milan tore us to shreds. A tactical change at half time saw Vlad given licence to roam in an advanced position alongside Stevie G and just behind Baros. This fluid formation was perfect for him and he contributed intelligently as we famously fought back to 3-3, scoring our second with a rasping shot from 25 yards into the bottom left corner that Dida couldn’t keep out.

Extra time came and went and when penalties arrived Vlad was an obvious choice. With the score at 2-2 he stepped up and sent Dida the wrong way, sliding the penalty into the opposite corner. He clenched his fists and kissed the Liverpool badge on his shirt in celebration, and with Dudek saving Shevchenko’s subsequent effort Vlad had effectively scored the winning penalty with his last touch in a Red shirt.

It’ll be great to see you back Vlad, you’re one of the good guys.

After reading Takeshi’s Castle he felt the need to reiterate its main points in today’s Echo:

“We have a lot of people with high expectations this season, who want us to achieve big things, but we played the most important game with some of our best players short of a month’s preparation due to the World Cup.

“Now there are two qualifiers at the start of the season. It’s crazy. This is not just a problem for Liverpool, but all the big clubs.

“I saw the Liverpool fans in Kiev, and I want to thank them, but it’s wrong we could not prepare properly for such an important game because our World Cup players did not have the same level of pre-season training. It was very dangerous for us.

“The supporters spend a lot of money to travel to watch us play and expect us to be in the Champions League, and it’s crazy if we are not able to have the play-ers at the right level because of so many international games.”

Champions League qualification is over for another season, as a 1-1 draw “away” to Haifa took us through. It’s a tortuous process in which major clubs take a step onto a very wobbly bridge above a moat of press derision, and catch a golden ball worth £12m fired at them by General Lennart Johannsen. To claim the money the clubs must then carry the ball across the bridge to the Group Stage on the other side, while being bombarded with cannon fire from the Emerald minnows as Lars-Christer Olsson and fellow members of the UEFA match committe in ghoul masks swing big pink space hoppers at them.

In the last three seasons we’ve had some difficulty at this stage, losing home legs to AK Graz and CSKA Sofia in 2004 and 2005 though progressing through strong away performances. And we’re not the only major club who has found this stage problematic. Lyon have been knocked out by Maribor Teatanic, Inter Milan by Helsingborg IF, and Ajax by Celtic. Barca, Lazio, Man Utd and Juve have had to recover from poor first legs against the likes of Skonto Riga, FC København, Zalaegerszegi TE and Djurgårdens IF. AC Milan only scraped past Slovan Liberec on away goals and Villareal had to rely on Pierlugi Collina disallowing a goal to progress past part-time minnows Everton.

Why is it so difficult? It comes down to lack of quality preparation. Many of the larger sides have disjointed pre-season preparations as the majority of their players are seconded to national squads for some of the summer and arrive back at the clubs in dribs and drabs. Couple this with playing a series of friendlies against opposition of variable quality whilst juggling line-ups to try and improve match fitness and mid August is the perfect time for a shock.

So the message of the Haifa tie is ignore the performance, and enjoy the improvement in the club’s accounts and the chance to once more endure the ticket office’s attempts to sell Champions League group tickets.